Ben’s Feedback
The Lonely Sailor
This poem I think perfectly encapsulates the feeling of loneliness, especially for those who constantly give to others. I think you try to speak to that idea in the rhetorical questioning found at the end of each stanza. One in particular that stuck out to me was “When will I fish for me?” Another note to this poem that I liked was how it moved through time effortlessly. It was like I was following the day of the sailor from beginning to end; a look behind the curtain and into their mind. The only comment I had for a question or suggestion is what the “burden” is in stanza 3 line 3? It may be helpful to specify this to fully show the weight of the speaker’s situation/thought. Overall, a really strong start. I’m additionally curious about how you will (or won’t) include the photograph.
Close
Again, another hard hitting poem when it comes to the emotions it gives off. To me, this poem felt like someone pondering on the depth and meaning of their relationship with someone who is no longer available. I am not quite sure where the other subject went but it is clear the speaker was close to them either platonic or romantic. In how I relate, it feels like a reflection of my relationship with my little sister. Always wishing to have more time or to find common ground. I think it might be helpful to make the relationship between speaker and subject more specific or clear. It not only would strengthen the meaning of the poem but make it more accessible/relatable. My other suggestion would be to read the poem aloud and see where there’s some confusion in language. For me, this was in stanza 3 line 4 with “I never pierced it together,” do you mean pieced? And in stanza 4 line 3 the wording has me a little tripped up. It could simply be needing a “like” in between “laughing we.” Again, another emotionally riveting poem.
Suppose
I remember reading this poem during secret poem groups and being excited about the use of imagery. Reading it again now, it is still my favorite part about the poem. There is a flow to it that is almost lyrical with the rhetorical questions posed. Also, stanza two as a whole is able to paint a picture vividly. In stanza three I particularly enjoy the movement in language with sun and moon as it correlates with actual time. Moving into suggestion, the one thing this poem leaves me with is wanting to know more. Who is the “you” in this poem and what is their relationship to the speaker? Would it be beneficial to describe who this subject is? I think considering this will allow the poem to be more accessible for the audience and extend the meaning further. There’s a lot of good emotion and word choice going here, keep going!
TIME
This poem follows the trend of two of your other poems with the use of rhetorical questioning. I think it adds a whole additional layer of meaning to the poem itself while also showing the speaker’s thought process. Form wise, I also like how you follow two questions as the end lines for the first two stanzas and then statements for the other two. This not only gives the poem a symmetrical look but was satisfying to read aloud. Similar to Suppose, I am left very curious about “who” the other person is in the poem. What is going on with the speaker and them; why do they have to part ways? It may be helpful to explore these questions by adding another stanza or two. Another comment I had in relation to this idea was how the poem moves from stanza four to the end. It leaves me with the question of what happened to the subject, how did we get there? Some more unpacking before may lead to a smoother finish.
Colby’s Feedback
Australian Box Jellyfish
The first thing that I noticed about this poem was how it read like a description while also describing a scene at the same time. The language made it seem like it could be something from a scientific textbook almost. I specifically liked the last stanza where it said “A few moments in exchange for a lifetime.” It not only speaks to what you described previously about the animal, but also feels like a true “end” to the poem. What might be helpful to further the scene you’re painting is to describe the jellyfish’s physical appearance. You do a good job with saying how it’s dangerous and fits into the ocean, but I’m really curious about their look. What makes them easy to avoid? Do they have any special features that add to the description? You have a good start going!
An Uncanny Reunion
This poem does a good job of pulling the reader in from the get-go. My reasoning for this is because you open up right in the middle of a scene with “suddenly, they were back.” This not only intrigues me as a reader to know what is happening but also gives the idea there is tension/panic. Where this stanza leaves off is my main suggestion for this poem. I think it may be helpful to unpack a little more of what is happening in the first stanza. Who is “they”? Why are they doing this to the speaker and what exactly are they doing? Is this a dream or actually happening? Answering these questions not only strengthens the picture but also makes the poem more accessible to the audience. One other note I had was how the second stanza ties back to the first. Maybe answering the questions above will make the connection more explicit. The main part that tripped me up was what “time” had to do with the attack in stanza one. Overall, with specifics, I think this is off to a good start.
Logic
This poem stuck out to me in your collection because it felt the most direct. There were no carefully chosen words or elaborate language, just very to the point. I appreciated that as a reader because it let me easily access the thought you were trying to express. In my interpretation, this poem felt to be a political call to action. That our current system isn’t working and change needs to happen. Although I appreciate the poem not being too explicit with the idea, a little more specification may be helpful for accessibility. I’m only saying this because it took a few reads to understand, in my opinion, what you were trying to say. It may be helpful to make more explicit what the “unsettling feelings” are or the titles of said “other groups.” Another note I had on this poem was the title because I’m not exactly sure how it relates to the text. I would think about how you feel it relates and then incorporate it into the stanzas.
Suppose
One thing I enjoyed about this poem was the general messaging I believe it was trying to send. That we should live our lives according to the positives rather than the negatives. Something to say with this idea is that I didn’t come to it until the very end of the poem. What you have in the beginning is good, but it doesn’t feed into the ideas you explore in the second half. I’m wondering if it would flow better if you took the end and put it as the first stanza. It would then open the poem with the overarching message and then give an example of what that looks like. See where I’m going here? I had a similar feeling with your second stanza. The line “to stop being You” felt like a true end to the poem, but was actually in the middle. Maybe try moving it and see how it changes your reading or understanding. I like what you have going on throughout the poem but rearranging would make it more interesting and digestible.
