Dear Brady,
I think you have a really interesting concet here with the story you’re building. It caught me as a surprise that it had to do with AI because it’s such a current topic that I feel isn’t vastly covered (or I haven’t read much with the subject matter). I’m curious to know more about your choice of opening up the story immediately within a dialogue scene. On one hand, I thought it dropped me right in the middle and forced my attention. On the other, it left some possibly necessary context out in terms of who the narrator is and why they’re related to this project/lab. I felt this a couple times throughout the story when different characters/scenes were introducted. One example of this was when the androids came in and then when Victoria did. I’m wondering, similar to my earlier comment, if those sections would benefit from a little more context. I know this may be a big ask in terms of how much space you have, but consider balancing some more background/description with the amount of dialogue you have (which is a good amount). However, I think this is a great start on where you’re headed!
Dear Rachel,
I was thoroughly engaged with your piece beginning to end. The description and life you breathed into your characters came off as both effortless and cleverly constructed. It felt like they were a friend I knew and I could sympathize with their situation. Your opening was curious and didn’t point to any “middle of the moment” but a key information point that played a role in the end. There were some moments I thought I’d like to know more, especially when it came to the background of the multiple mothers (simply who had what mom), the disease Nyssa had, and maybe slightly more about Dad. I thought it was wonderful you didn’t introduce characters simply saying here’s this person and here’s what they’re like. You tastefully scaffolded those details into the piece. The pacing was good yet there were some moments I thought could use an astrik in between pargraphs to represent time moving forward. Otherwise, I didn’t feel thrown for a loop in terms of where the story was headed. The ending caught me teary eyed at the idea of a metaphorical death of her sister, or a physical one. I think that may be the only question I have as there’s some ambiguity around that (or I’ve read incorrectly). Overall, such a captivating story!
